"If what I do doesn't matter, maybe I don't matter."
"If who I express that I am doesn't matter, maybe I don't matter."
"I just spent all this time on this thing that I feel is my purpose, and it was unsuccessful, so I don't matter."
You may not know you are holding this over yourself and, if you are, it has possibly been deeply suppressed in your mind.
This worry can manifest very quickly into “property” holding—territorialism and jealousy over what you are considering to be your purpose/identity. “This has to be mine, and I have to show I own it and know how to operate it, or everyone will find out I’m useless (or disposable, or unimportant)!”
Territorialism and jealousy can often create or come from fears:
Fear of being unaccepted, fear of being alone, fear of not being “good enough,” fear of not being seen or recognized or praised. Fear that what we are doing within that territory has too little meaning to matter and may come with those subconscious identifying statements: “I have no purpose if that doesn’t matter.” “I’m not doing enough to matter.” “If I’m not seen doing this thing, I’m nothing.” Here identity and purpose become entangled into one entity. My identity is my purpose; my purpose is my identity.
What I do or who I am striving to express I am, then becomes false security about who and what I am. I now identify with this thing I do, essentially this T-Shirt I wear. This flag I fly. This knowledge base I have. These thought babies I produce.
The fear that can come with gripping onto territory which expresses my identity by what I do, can drive us to become defensive and angry, it can cause of to lash out or to isolate; it can cause us to be terribly grievous, sad and lonely. Pathology can come out of this fear (anxiety, depression, physical conversion of these mental health concerns into sickness). Especially, because if it is based on what I do and expressions of who I am, there will be no cease to my striving, OR outcomes for my strivings may be displeasing to others. Others may not see them the way I desperately need them to.
Often these issues come out of attachment (developmental) wounds causing insecurity. But negative self talk and systems of belief about consequences if we don’t fulfill our ultimate purpose or uphold our truest expression of identity, can come by default of being human either way.
This territorialism can be over ministry, work or field of study, a hobby or sport, something we feel deeply interested in, an area we feel deeply purposed in, a way we deeply want to be seen, understood and characterized by, our ideologies, and it can even be territory over those we love.
We can literally see people wearing their sense of purpose on themselves. The things we say, how we behave, what we wear, what we do. I could identify, for instance, with being a counselor so much so that that's all that I am, and all I show. I could get defensive about my knowledge, wear only clothes I think appeal to that, constantly speak jargongy counseling terms, get angry when people don't hold me in high regard for my "expertise," etc. I could get deeply offended when others don't want to think about counseling, or appreciate that I want to make everything about that subject.
Anything that causes us to feel, “Hey! That’s mine!” Is the area we are tracking our territory, and could be tied to deeper insecurities.
Behaviors to counteract the fear can look like gaining hyper intelligence to feel very, very smart about a subject so we can defend our territory. We may use lots of jargon to show we own this area of thought. We may Google things during conversation to show we know more than anyone else.
It may be we helicopter over the area of jealousy. Essentially waking up to fears and how to better guard our territory.
It may be acting charming and kind on the outside, but seething on the inside when someone steps foot on “our” ground. We are literally guarding it with our lives (even our souls).
We may become passive/aggressive, terribly judgmental and critical of others, show a number of defense mechanisms when we feel someone may be stepping in too close for comfort or, even worse, seeing through us.
What do we do?
In thinking of the areas and people in my life I am fiercely territorial over, I know if I don’t “put down the butterfly,” I’ll squish it in my attempts to keep it mine. If I hold on to these things that give me a sense of purpose as “Mine! You can’t have it!” I will take away the beauty of what that thing is, because I am repurposing it for my pleasure or fulfillment, to bring about a false sense of security, rather than giving it to God for His use—which I promise is MUCH better than mine.
In my moments seeking God today about my own jealousies—the answer on my mind is this:
What I do is not who I am. In other words, my purpose is not my identity, and my identity is not my purpose. If I am a creation of YHWH--God's literal breath and design, and each breath I take is essentially life in Him, than my identity is beyond what I do or how I express myself by what I identify in here on earth. I am me, created by God. I have a purpose that has meaning under God's design, and my identity is in His love, and as His daughter.
If I go around knowing my purpose is by God's design, but I flesh it out serving in multiple ministries and begin to subconsciously put my identity in service, then I am now a slave to that service or else I have no purpose or sense of self beyond serving. Serving is not wrong, but when we start to manifest visceral (bodily) feelings of guilt (stomach hurts, muscle tension) and anxiety of if "I don't serve, who am I?" then this is a problem!
Christ died to take all of that away.
Serve, but with the understanding that is an outpouring of love, not a draft for war where you will be jailed if you don't show up. Express your love for Jesus, identifying as His kid, but not with the fear you'll be spanked by your Father if you don't do it just right.
"Do your best," for some people can be the scariest words on the planet. God expects me to do my best! What is my personal best? What if I do a step below that??!
Whoa, whoa...Slow your roll, kiddo. I like what my husband says, "Do what you can within your means, and that which God equipts you to do. If the Holy Spirit doesn't equip you beyond your own strength, then lay it down to Him." Here, God, I really did do all that I could. I like how David says to God, "You know my frame," and essentially, "Can I worship you if I'm dead?" Meaning, God knows we are only human! He knows when and where He needs to step in.
Count on the knowledge that He Who is totally LOVE, the embodiment of love covers all of these fears. Adoption into His love through Jesus means we don’t have to fear whatever punishment Satan is causing you to believe will occur. He created us—and we deeply matter—no matter what. Also, that person, or idea, or thing that you feel is deeply “yours” also matters to God. But Jesus asks that we "yoke" up with Him to know how to manage it. Remember, the yoke on two oxen, meant the bigger, older and more experienced one takes on the majority of the labor. That's Jesus.
Are you holding territory over something/someone, and you recognize it is harming you and what you are gripping so tightly. Start the process of becoming free. Acknowledge you are doing this. Confess your fear to God.
Prayer: “God, I have held onto this thing/idea/identity/person too tightly. It is hurting me and others. It cannot be what You intend when I am blocking even You from getting to it. Please forgive me for not trusting You with it. I give You the areas that I have staked claim upon. The jealousy I am holding onto for this thing is eating me alive. I must surrender it to You. God, I sincerely surrender it to You right now, because I know You know what is better and best for it/them, and for me. I pray Your will would be done over this thing I’ve called my “property.” It/they are not mine, but Yours. I pray Your Holy Spirit (Holy—qodes—sacred, set apart for God’s use) would take over this area of my life. They are Yours, and I entrust them to You, today.”
“There is NO FEAR in LOVE. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:!8
“God is LOVE.” 1 John 4:8
"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
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